You show up to the local courts to hit some balls, maybe sweat out the weekend pizza, maybe bond with a friend over a few chaotic dinks. You’re feeling good. You brought your water, your off-brand paddle, and exactly zero expectations.

And then he arrives.

He walks in like he owns the joint (even though it’s a public park), gripping a paddle with more lead tape than integrity. He hasn’t even stretched but he’s already reciting rulebook sections like a low-budget Morgan Freeman.

🧥 Meet: “That Guy.”

You know the one:

  • Loud.
  • Confident (without reason).
  • Slightly sweaty before warmups.
  • Wears a performance shirt that has never seen performance.

And boy, does he know the rules.

Except…

📖 “Rule Interpretations” by That Guy (All Incorrect)

• “You can’t enter the kitchen. Ever.”
No, Gary. You can go in the kitchen. You just can’t volley in it. This isn’t lava. It’s just a painted box.

• “You have to serve underhand and backward.”
Pretty sure he confused this with some kind of reverse beer pong.

• “You can only score on your birthday or Tuesdays.”
Okay, he didn’t say that. But it felt like the next step.

🍻 Story Time with That Guy

After 3 serves and 1 net fault, it’s time for a break. Not for you. For him. Because you need to hear about:

  • That one tournament in 2019 where he almost won a bronze.
  • The time he played with a former pro (who might’ve just been a guy named Todd).
  • His customized paddle grip made from reclaimed bike tires.

🌊 Analogies That Nobody Asked For

Every casual point comes with a lecture:

  • “The kitchen is like the ocean. If you dip a toe in, you risk being swept away.”
  • “Pickleball is like chess, but sweaty and with less dignity.”
  • “You have to find your rhythm, like when you’re waiting in line at Costco and they open a new register.”

Please stop.

🙅️ What We Really Came Here For

We didn’t come for lectures. We didn’t come for YouTube University in human form. We came to:

  • Run around like caffeinated raccoons
  • Hit some balls
  • Forget about work
  • And maybe laugh a little when someone says “Nice dink.”

So next time That Guy shows up, smile, nod, and politely start a game with literally anyone else.

Or hand him a flyer for a “Beginner Rules Clinic” and see if he shows up.

Final Word: If you ever wonder if you might be That Guy, here’s a simple test:

If you’ve compared the kitchen to a tidal wave in front of strangers, it’s already too late.

Need a paddle that won’t make you look like that guy? Check out our favorite beginner upgrade: JOOLA Essentials Paddle on Amazon

And if you’re looking for more red-flag behavior to avoid, read our post on When You’re the Doubles Partner that Just Came to Watch.